Hello
by Ithinkyoullknxw
Summary: They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello from the other side. I must've called a thousand times to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done, but when I call you never seem to be home._

"Carla.." _he sighs into the silence._ "I've tried to call everyday since, but they always tell me I'm not allowed to speak to you, that you needed to be kept away from the outside to recover, get back to yourself. It's been months, the bed is so empty without you still. I used to like sleeping alone, before you. I enjoyed the space, although I'd never told Leanne that. Not with you though. You had this way of clinging to me, like your need for me was physical, like you couldn't bare to be apart. It made me feel worth something, it made me feel important. I don't feel worth anything these days. I think you made me, me.

I thought, naive I know, but I thought when they let you out of there you'd come back to me. I hoped you'd recover enough to understand why I did what I did. I loved you, but I was losing you. We were all losing you. It wasn't like the last time, not like the fire. It was worse, and once upon a time I wouldn't have thought that possible. You weren't her anymore, you weren't you. Sending you there was the hardest thing I've had to do, Carla but I needed to get you help. You needed help.

The clinic told me to stop phoning weeks ago. They said it was your request. That was the second hardest thing I've ever done, starting to give up on you, knowing you'd given up on us.

The other day, I saw Michelle laughing. Do you know how long it had been since I'd seen her really laugh? Since anyone had. I knew then, I knew she'd seen you. She wouldn't tell me much but I know you're out. The pity for me in her eyes almost killed me. I've left so many messages since, I don't even know if you're listening to them anymore. I guess now it's become less about speaking to you and more about hearing you. Just those few seconds, I can hear you again and for a minute it's all alright again. Almost.

I can pretend I'm ringing to ask what time you're home tonight and what you want for tea. Red or white wine tonight, shall I pick us up a take away? If only it were that easy.

You said you'd hurt me in the end, Carla. I don't think you realised I would hurt you too. Watching you fall apart those last few months of our relationship almost took me with you. After Rob, after you found about.. about your dad. I didn't see you eat for weeks, I don't think you even spoke properly. At first, you needed me. You might not speak much but your grip on me wouldn't falter and I needed that so much. Eventually, you didn't need anyone.

Really, I don't think you were alive back then. Sure you were breathing but that's about it. You had said to me one night that people had always taken so much from you, one thing that they couldn't take were your memories but now even they were tainted and it was the final thing on a long list of heartbreak. No one blamed you for your breakdown, especially not me. I just wish I could have eased the pain somehow.

I got home from work an hour ago, and now I realise, I have to let you go. I guess you got Michelle to do it? I hope she tells you that I hadn't touched a thing. Your clothes were still hanging on your more than half of the wardrobe, your toothbrush was next to mine in the bathroom and your perfume untouched on the side.

You weren't here anymore but you hadn't really left at all. A year might have passed in Weatherfield and wherever you are, but nothing passed at all for me. My flat feels emptier than ever. The day they took you, it was like living with a thousand ghosts. I could hear you laughing gleefully as we messed around in the kitchen, you wearing little more than my shirt. I could hear your sharp tongue as I made a comment you couldn't help but get the last word on. I could hear you groan as the alarm rang out and groan my name for entirely different reasons. I hadn't realised until you were gone just how much of my life was made up of you. Now you've taken back your things I have nothing left.

I guess no one really knows what they're living for until they know what they would die for. And that day, I knew. That day, watching the car door bang shut but it doing little to drown out your sobs. I could still hear you begging me, repeating my name like you were saying a prayer, your hands banging against the back window. You looked like a little girl, and I would have thrown myself in front of it if it would have taken away the pain engulfing you, Carla.

If you listen to this voicemail, know that I won't call you again but know that I will spend everyday wanting to. Know that I really did love you and know that I'm so glad I took my chances on you.

You were worth it, baby.

Well, bye then Carla. Bye."

 _He hangs up, drops the phone onto the bed beside him, laying still as the world carries on but his crashes at his feet._


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello, it's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet, to go over everything. They say that time's supposed to heal ya but I ain't done much healing. Hello, can you let hear me?_

Nick. _Her hands shake as she types._

God, I don't even know if this still your number. You weren't lying all those months ago when you said you wouldn't call again. I miss your messages, I miss hearing your voice. It soothed me, you always had a way of doing that, didn't ya?

I speak to our Chelle all the time, I aways ask about you. I feel sick whenever I do, scared she'll tell me you've moved on, found someone else, someone better. Then I feel guilt. Knowing it's eating away at you like it is me, knowing neither of us will ever truly move on.

I guess I'm texting you because I want you to know you did the right thing. I should have seen it coming, from the first time I was old enough to realise my family wasn't the norm, I knew it was going to be a fight. I just hadn't contemplated how much I'd lose along the way. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. All the hard work I put into escaping that place, the little scatty kid that I was, was it worth this? Should I have laid down and let life take me, stayed with me mam and let her ruin my life like she ruined hers? Sometimes I wonder. I didn't know back then, that it wasn't the nice house and the money I cared about. I didn't realise it was, in fact, the people. The ones I would try so hard not to let near me for fear of losing them too. Some of them caused me more pain than I had magined possible. Some of them were good, like Liam, like Hayley, like you.

You were so good but I even lost you in the end.

That place, it were hell on earth, Nick. It was like being trapped inside my own head but magnified to more than I could ever explain. I didn't think I could feel any worse than I did until you sent me to there. I finally knew what it meant to be alone. I know it was to help me, and I spose it did in the end. It taught me that the only way to get out was to get better. I couldn't just walk out of my own accord, apparently that's what being section means anyhow. I made a mental note not to do that again.

To get better, they made me talk and you know how I hate talking, Nicholas. I talked about so many things I've never really spoken about before and in the end, I think it did me good. We spoke about my mam and the man I thought were me dad. We spoke about him, about Johnny and what it meant. I guess I had to learn that nobody but me could ruin the memories I had of Paul and Lee. They were mine and I loved them, no matter what connection we hadn't known we had shared. We spoke about Tony and Frank, Paul and Liam, Hayley, my baby girl. We spoke about Rob and about... about Tina. I told them about Peter and about you. About how much I hated you, at first and then how much I loved you.

You made me happy, in the all too fleeting time we spent together.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I didn't come back to you. I want you to know it wasn't your fault. I guess I was scared. Embarrassed. But never once did I stop thinking about you. I miss a lot of things about my old life, most of all I miss you. I miss your stupid face so much, Nick. Do you still miss mine? Is there any chance we can at least talk?

I'd really like if we could just talk again, you know? Like we did before we started dating, when we were friends. Good friends, really good friends. You helped me in more ways than you know, Nick and I'm eternally grateful. I think I said to you once that no one had ever not given up on me before, until you. I'm hoping, stupid as it seems, I'm hoping you won't give up on me. Weatherfield destroyed me but it gave me so much gave me you. That place were me home. I miss it, I miss that bloody factory though I hear Aidan is keeping it going strong. Probably doing a better job than me. Like I said, most of all I miss you.

It's probably pathetic, how much I still hope it's me and you in the end.

So, I guess thats all I have to say. If you can forgive me for walking away, forgive me for hurting you (I did warn ya), give me a text back Nicky. Maybe we can get back to being something good again. You might have been the only man that's ever been good for me, despite how we ended. I'd hate for that day to be the last time you saw me, because that's not me. I am strong and I am better than that. Let me make it up to you, I'm pretty damn sure we were worth it.

Call me, Nick. We can talk things over.

Ashamedly yours, still. Carla. X

 _She debates the kiss for far too long before she throws her phone onto the sofa quickly after she presses send, as though it bu_ _rns. She's scared that he will reply but even more scared that he won't._


End file.
